I started my letter and have discovered something I didn't anticipate... I didn't cry once! Wasn't too angry... But it was just a letter of facts... Strangely I was quite unemotional about it but I do feel like a house was lifted off of me... Amazing... I feel pretty free. I feel so free it's amazing... At first I thought write a letter to my mom. She's dead for God's sake what good will that do... But it's truly amazing how I feel... Not sure if I'm done with the letter or not... But it's a start!
Oh that's exciting to see this morning!!!! Back down -21.6 lbs - tomorrow will be a new number I am so very excited!!! I think I have my act back together as I begin this new healing process. That's all for now folks!
Okay, so I had my first appointment with the counselor specializing in eating disorders. I have a list of books to read and work through the materials - not all at once mind you. My very first assignment is to write a letter to my mother - this is going to be difficult as it will evolve around my lost/stolen childhood, teen, and adult years. Years I cannot remember nor get back. As much as I loved my mom and she love me our relationship was a very dysfunctional one - she co-dependent, couldn't be alone and me shamed and guilted into taking care of her since I was 9 years old. Learned behavior that was only broken through her death. Sadly, I wasn't strong enough to leave or was it I was strong enough to stay - more questions I don't have the answers to... One thing I don't want is for anyone to feel sorry for me - there are so many people who had worse childhoods than I did by far. I do ask for and covet your prayers as I work through the painful past and those things that trigger me to eat when I'm not hungry and don't want food. Please pray that I move through this time quickly or that at least as I move through it and I can continue on the Dr. S protocol with success without the sabotage piece. Blessing everyone - I'll share the book list when I get a chance - it's in my purse, too tired and getting ready to call it a night. TTFN
To my astonishment I've lost 3.5" this week... My inches continue to move even though I have not done well on protocol this round nor has the scale moved much in my favor. I continue to move down in inches even though I know - and so do all of you I have tried to sabotage this round. I'm conscious of this fact which has made it all the more frustrating! I start with the counselor tomorrow to start uncovering - however painful it may be, the reasons why deep down in my subconscious I get to this weight, fairly close to being out of the 200's and I stop myself. I have my book to delve into but need to gather my supplies to take my journey to total wellness, wholeness and finally be a complete and healthy person.
I've already shared some of what I think it might be - one more thing it could be is my one and only serious relationship I had was when I weighed about 180 lbs and he cheated on me and left me. So, back to the abandonment issues - could this be what it all stems from? I really don't know - but it is what I suspect. The question is how do I get past it and deal with the reality of not all men are like that - that I am worth being loved for who I am no matter what size I am. Realize that if I'd been 500lbs the same thing could have happened or if I was 135lbs. It happens all the time in this world. So, the journey begins tomorrow! My journey to a whole new me in every aspect. A healed me! The HCG is just one small aspect of the whole picture of my journey to wellness. I have the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual aspects to balance and align. And right now I am definitely out of balance...
Please continue to pray for my neighbor - she is having surgery Thursday morning at 8:00 AM PST.
I was doing so good - started out as an apple day... Then I read Cindy's book after I was already 4 apples in... I should have read the entry first!!! I contacted her and I was doing it ALL WRONG! I drank loads of liquid - 4 apples and I found out from reading that I was supposed to start the apples at lunch time... Too late started them first thing in the morning... Then I got home and I was sooooooostinkin' hungry!!! Pooey and phooey I went into sabotage mode... So, tomorrow I'm going to do it right! I'll see what the scale shows in the morning and if I'm still in STUPID MODE - I'll try for another apple day and do it the right way. I think my hunger stemmed from eating the apples too early in the day???? Not positive as I haven't been good at logging my food, mood and hunger. But I know I've done better on days when I've had oranges and strawberries. I'm not a huge fan of apples and I'm pretty sure I am one that they trigger hunger. So, again we'll see how the scale looks in the morning. I am determined to finish up this round with at least a few pounds more lost from my LIW. I'm still 4.2 lbs below - not stellar for the round by any means but you know what? It's down and not a gain above my LIW!!! And if I look at it from the perspective of what I gained in my load days I'm actually down 8.4 lbs for the round. So, I won't continue to beat myself up - I've had some success and LOADS of self-discovery. I have my first counseling appointment on Wednesday with the specialist in eating disorders. Now, I will be able to get to the ROOT CAUSE of my emotions that literally drive me into the arms of food for comfort. Meeting with the counselor to work on these issues is both exhilarating and frighting at the same time but aren't they synonymous?
Well - my journey this round has completely sucked! Just being honest... I haven't really tried or have I and just been a failure with this particular round. I'm beginning the journey to self-discovery of why I have been sabotaging myself. I have the book - I need to go and pick-up some key items for journalling - pens, paper, colored pencils etc... recommended in the book to continue on this journey. I am making a concerted effort this today to actually stick to the protocol. I apologize if I have disappointed anyone - if anything I've disappointed myself more than I could have disappointed anyone reading my blog. I know the issues are deep seeded in past emotional hurts. I am proud of myself in this respect - I've maintained! I haven't gone so out of control that I've actually gained any weight. So, in that I can be proud. Yes!?!?!?!?!?! Yes, I can be proud of myself in that regard!
I'm starting with basics again - I have my americano, apple, green tea and water sitting on my desk ready to be consumed. Anytime I am at all tempted today I shall pray. It's the only defense I have againts my own destructive behavior. So, I will leave you with those thoughts for today. And I am up 1.2 lbs.
I'm finally down in my weight AGAIN, YIPPIE -1.4 lbs this morning! Litterally, it must have been all the green tea, water and coffee I drank yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised... I started reading on that site last night and found more great information... I'm going to try again to stop tonight and pickup that book. Last night I also started compiling affirmations. I've got to find my 3X5 spiral cards to write them out and carry them around so I can look at them several times a day...
Please pray for my neighbor lady - Janet, I'm not sure exactly how old she is (late 60's early 70's?) but she fell last night. Please pray that all she did was bruise the arm and did not break it. I will know more later today. But as we know prayer works miracles - you saw it earlier in my blog about my little dog. So, I have no doubt that God cares even more for us as His creation. He created us to walk with Him in the cool of the day and have communion with Him.
As I've been researching self-sabotage and doing a lot of internal searching... The one big thing that has come up or two big things are fear and perfectionism. My fears are steeped in childhood disappointments and rebellion. So, here goes being very transparent... I've been told my whole life how beautiful I am - but deep down I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! You may ask why... Here's why, my father abandoned us when I was 9 years old - when a girl needs her daddy to model how men are supposed to treat women. For a long time I thought it was my fault. My mother slipped into deep depression and began feeding my brother and I mostly junk. We went from being slender kids to the chubby kids. Every man that I've dated has hurt me either emotionally, raped me or used me for sex. Thank God I was never hit but as they say emotional scarring can go much deeper! So, the fear is - how will I function with men being attracted to me? How will I react? This fat barrier has been a protection for so long the more weight I loose the more attention I get and I'm having a very difficult time reconciling that with my past. Does anyone know what I mean? And when I get to this weight it's when I start getting the attention - most people look at me and do not believe I weigh 220 because of the way the weight is distributed on my body. So, I have been self-sabotaging - I'm beginning to deal with it this time instead of giving up and gaining back the weight for protection. I'm beginning to evaluate and putting positives to the negatives that are so deeply ingrained in who I am. But then I run into the perfectionism - this was installed by my mother - long story short - anything that I did around our house to help was met with "well why didn't you do..." It was never good enough! I don't blame my mother for my weight problem - I take responsibility for it now. It was started by her and perpetrated in the essence of she'd poke fun at my weight, would try to put me on diets or control my food - here's the rebellion part - I discovered it was the one thing she could not control about me! I could eat and eat and eat and there was NOTHING - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING she could do about it. Looking back I know all she wanted was for me to be healthy but it just didn't matter and it's taken me almost 25 years to reconcile my feelings about my mother/father and food. I'm still working on the men issue - which may take longer as I still think I have unresolved feelings regarding my own father and the men in my past.
In my research I have found some great resources and there's a clinic in my area - I'm arranging to go in for counseling to deal specifically with the overeating disorder. I'm excited about this as they address the whole person, not simply counseling nor simply weight issue -CLICK HEREif nothing else, I'm going to be picking up the book "Hope, Help, and Healing for Eating Disorders: A New Approach to Treating Anorexia, Bulimia, and Overeating" by Dr. Gregory Jantz - tried to do this tonight but they had already closed when I stopped.
One of the things I am tired of fighting is this weight - but it's not really about the weight at all it's about the FOOD. The weight is the result of my unhealthy relationship with food. I'm going to continue on this road with the HCG but I am adding additional resources to my arsenal. I will win this fight - I'm still in for the long haul even though I haven't done well this round - I AM NOT GIVING UP - I AM A FIGHTER!!!
Much to my surprise I was down 1.8 lbs this morning for a total of 21.6 lbs. YIPPIE!!! I'm very excited about this and tremendously surprised... FINALLY GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!!!
Yesterday I worked form 7:00 - 6:15 so I was really tired when I got home and haven't made the best choices over the past couple days. Okay, I don't understand this - I keep dropping inches but my weight keeps fluctuating between a couple of pounds. Weird! So, there's the update for now - I think part of it's just the stress - although good for changing jobs... Possibly of not getting enough sleep either.
Now that I'm working out with my trainer I am starting to feel better - more energy! I'm thinking it was a very wise decision for me!!! Starting to go back down on the scale too! YIPPIE!!!
Okay where is the sun - it is JUNE already... I am so tired of the RAIN...
Anyway I got this recipe in my inbox today that sounds great for summer Lemon Thyme Ices Go and check it out I'll be trying to do stevia drops rather than the splenda sugar substitute...
I am so glad that I decided to take my measurements - if I wasn't I might get discourage. However, I've lost 22.25" so far... THAT'S AWESOME - at least I think so! I've added training this week and am glad that I have - I think this may be my missing link. I am so stinkin' excited about doing the training along with the protocol. It will be interesting to see how things go over the next couple weeks. Although my weight loss hasn't been too great I've lost inches and can tell by the way my clothes are fitting. I'm also very excited to start this new job an just in the lick of time too. I'll need a new wardrobe soon. Today I found out that I have to get my brakes done to the tune of $200. Sticker shock but I need to get my vehicle in shape before starting this new job. I praise God in all my circumstances - don't know how he's going to bring me through this next month with the finances but I am trusting in him. HE has provided this new job - and HE will provide for all my circumstances - even the food and gas for this next month. My food is pretty much taken care of since I haven't eaten too much of the meat I pre-bagged for the last round. And my girls can have the pot roast I pre-bagged in the freezer in my food saver bags.
There's the update for today - post more tomorrow after I get my brakes done!
I think I have my resolve back - I feel like I have wasted most of this round - but I have a lot of shots left... So, I'm hoping I am getting back to basics this week. I've been really frustrated with myself for giving in so much. Although I would say the whole round has been a disaster - I'm still below LIW. I just sometimes feel very stupid. Just my 2 cents for the day.
I do start working out with my trainer again this week so, we'll see how that goes!
