With this new discovery I've realized that although this is what my subconscious believes that when I lose all my weight that abandonment happens - I can now deal with it and overcome those underlying thoughts. I've also discovered through this process of blogging and through this weight loss challenge (thank you dd.ca, hcgsupplies.com, and Cindy) this journey is not just about losing weight. It's about self discovery and why we hold onto the weight. If we do not deal with the emotional side or the underlying/root cause of the issue then we will never truly be free of the weight. Something along the way will trigger and we will once again be obese. I've been dealing with lots emotional roadblocks along the way and each time I overcome one of them - I am then able to move further down the scale and maintain at that weight. I think this has been a HUGE one for me. I didn't think I had abandonment issue but apparently I do and now I can begin to deal with it and move forward and heal from it.
I've got 37 more shots in my freezer - so really enough to do a round (didn't know I'd missed that many) so today I'm starting over with my new discovery that I can battle and overcome @ 209.6 lbs. Next week I'll be in the 100's!
Accomplishments
I am so proud of myself though that I have maintained below 210 for a long time now - my body should be ready to release the rest of this weight.
I've quit smoking April 19th - had only 1 puff off a cig early on in quitting but haven't had anything since and not even craving them.
I maintained my weight even through quitting the smoking.
I've almost got my house in order - HUGE accomplishment.
Discovering why/what triggers my eating
Discovering why/what triggers my sabotage
I am so incredibly happy - I have a wonderful man in my life, my children are starting to cooperate, and I only have 39 lbs left to lose! I have an amazing support system and I can do this and finish out this round strong!!!!
I believe through conversation with my neighbor which I've known since I was 6 years old. That I've uncovered why it is that I have not been able to get to the 100's again. Every time that I have almost reached my ideal weight - someone leaves me. The first time when I was of a normal size at age 9 my dad left our family - then my weight ballooned at that time. Then I reached an almost normal weight when I was in my early twenties - then my grandmother died (she was my favorite grandmother and I almost had a nervous breakdown). The next time was after I had my children in 1998 - when I thought I was in love and the man I was involved with stated that I would leave him once I got to a normal weight. Although my conscious mind knows and can rationalize that his cheating on me had nothing to do with my weight loss - it was about the same time I discovered that he was cheating. So, my subconscious mind equates being of a normal size to being abandoned and being left alone. Now that I have this ironed out - I can finally progress to the next level of my weight loss journey. Good Lord how many months/years did it take me to get to that discovery. Some of you out there will identify with what I'm stating and some will not! My weight has been twofold protection - keeping men/relationships at bay and when I do have them keeping them together - NOT!!!
Here's something else interesting - I haven't had so many men approach me since I was in my early twenties as I have in the last 3 months. I don't know if it's that they smell I have someone in my life or if it's I have a new pep in my step??? I just find it interesting! I just smile and say have a wonderful day - walk away and realize how blessed I am that God put the man he did into my life.
I keep asking myself - what is it that I cannot get into the 100's? Is it fear - and fear of what? Part of it is I still have issues with others finding me attractive and paying attention. I've covered this before on my blog - I need to just do it and say SCREW IT! (sorry if that offends anyone) I'm just down right angry with myself and frustrated. I get paid a little attention and my instinct is to gain weight to keep the attention away - not that I've really gained - just haven't lost the rest either. Part of it is definitely to hid behind the fat so that I will not be abused again. Because when I was almost 300 lbs I definitely didn't like myself so who else would - it was an unconscious thought process that the weight will protect me from men being attracted to me - therefore I won't have to worry about being molested, raped or emotionally abused by one of them. Irrational as it is now that I look back that is a good portion of why I gained my weight in the first place. Secondly, I also think part of it is based in fear of loss. The last relationship I had 12 years ago, the man I was involved with became very insecure when I dropped my weight and other men started paying attention to me. Not that it was a good healthy relationship to start with - but there was a picture painted of what our future would be like together and I was really only fooling myself because I was hidden away. So, even though our relationship (if you could even call it that) fell apart once I started approaching my ideal weight however, nonsensical that may be is where my emotional self lingers. I believe the only way for me to get past this is to drive through and just do it. Keep blogging everyday the ups and downs of where I'm at. I just know at gut level this is the core of the issue is that I'm afraid that once I start getting to where I'm wanting to be that there is going to be attention paid and I just pray that the man I am see is secure enough. He'd asked me about this today and I couldn't even put all of it into words until I started blogging tonight. I'll have to talk more to him about it tomorrow now that I've been able to "label" or put meaning to why I haven't been following the protocol or even taking my shots.
I'm also realizing that I'm worth more than gold, diamonds, pearls or any other precious gem or metal - words cannot describe the depth of the person that I am but I've selected a few. I'm unique, irreplaceable and cannot be reproduced. I'm valuable and hold many titles ~ lady, woman, mother and friend... I nurture, love, create, value, appreciate, respect, and provide. I've depth of character, integrity, ingenuity, generosity, intelligence and wit. Enjoy the simple things in life, appreciate beauty and sincerity. Relish quality time and respect genuine honesty.
Do you know what makes you special? Do you know you're special qualities? Everyone has them... Do you chose to develop those positive and beautiful areas of your life or dwell on the garbage and negativity that has been fed to you throughout your life - especially regarding your weight. Ya'll who've struggled for any length of time know what I am talking about... You have those "haters" and saboteurs that whenever you start a plan and start lookin' good it begins. They are so unhappy with their own lives that they attack - either by whispering behind your back or telling you - you look great now you don't need to lose anymore weight. I've heard that one - and I know that I have about another 40 at least to loose! Or are you your own saboteur? I've been!!! And I really could kick myself but I'm pulling myself and getting back on track TODAY!!! 207.6 was the weight this morning - I'm not going to maintain throughout the rest of this round I am going to get the rest of this weight gone!!! I'm DONE sabotaging myself - morning pages here I come. I'd blog it but it's ugly - nasty - garbage stuff that I need to get out and not necessarily what I want the world to know - sorry ya'll... I'll let you know how it goes though!!!
When you look in the mirror - what do you see? Do you see a person who is worth loving? A person who is worth being a friend too? A person of utmost value? A role model? Do you see someone who has visions, dreams and goals for their life? OR Do you see questions all over your life? Do I deserve to be loved? Do I deserve good quality people in my life? Do I deserve to be treated well by others with honesty and respect? Do I flounder through life not knowing where I'm going?
I've struggled with many of these and sometime still do when I let my self-esteem dip or I am not treating myself with love and respect. I've found though that when you treat yourself well and love yourself other pieces of your life begin to fall into place. I still struggle daily with making the right food choices - but I am getting there... Again not as swiftly as I'd like to... But once I dig my heels in there is not turning back... I'm pretty stubborn that way. My mother used to call me one way Toni... That is because once I got my mind set - there's a lot of convincing that has to occur to turn me in another direction. It's a challenging quality - because when it's used for good then it's awesome - but when it's used for evil - LORD HELP EVERYONE ON THE RECEIVING END!!! Just kidding - but when it's used in a self destructive manner is when the only one that it really hurts is myself. I've been recommending morning pages to Cherie - but I'm going to start doing them too - I haven't done them in a long time. I think it's somewhere on my blog but the gist is that you write for 3 pages everything that you are thinking - good, bad, sporadic without editing it... Just write first thing in the morning or just before you go to bed... When starting this process you do it for 6 weeks - tear out the pages and shred them - do not read... After the 6 weeks you can start reading what you're writing because you've gotten rid of all the junk.
I've also made a decision this past week - that I'm going to live for and enjoy every moment. I cannot change my past - tomorrow hasn't happened yet - and I will relax and enjoy every moment with those that I love. I'm always one to worry - what's the next step, what will happen next, what if I do this, what if I do that... I tend to over analyze too many things and the people around me instead of just letting things happen. To an extent it's still good to be on guard and aware of what's going on but not to worry so extensively about that it makes you and those around you CRAZY!!!
I still know what I ultimately want for myself and my life - it's the process of getting there. I'm a I want it yesterday kind of person - so driven in some areas to the point of perfectionism. I know I've talked about this on the blog before that perfectionism can be paralyzing. That if it's not perfect or I'm not perfect or what I'm doing isn't perfect then I can have a tendency to stop cold in my tracks and give up. I know it's kind of an oxymoron that I dig my heals in and not stopping coupled with the perfectionism that stops me in my tracks - HAHAHAHA too funny!!!
It's all a process of discovery - oh and I finally quit smoking and didn't eat my way through it... I haven't gained from it either so I'm very proud of myself for that! I've babbled enough - I'm going to go for now and this mornings weight was 205 even. So yes I'm still stabalized and haven't really lost but I'm back on plan with fresh hcg mixed!
Okay - so I haven't been focused and been struggling with emotions... Many many emotions - some of them I have pegged some I have not!!! UGGGHHHH! Anyway tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of my mother's death and that is some of what has been going on internally! The rest is undefined at this point but I am digging my heals back in! I'm at 204.4 this morning! Let go!!! Onederland is just on the horizon!
