Research - Self Contemplation - Transparency

As I've been researching self-sabotage and doing a lot of internal searching... The one big thing that has come up or two big things are fear and perfectionism. My fears are steeped in childhood disappointments and rebellion. So, here goes being very transparent... I've been told my whole life how beautiful I am - but deep down I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! You may ask why... Here's why, my father abandoned us when I was 9 years old - when a girl needs her daddy to model how men are supposed to treat women. For a long time I thought it was my fault. My mother slipped into deep depression and began feeding my brother and I mostly junk. We went from being slender kids to the chubby kids. Every man that I've dated has hurt me either emotionally, raped me or used me for sex. Thank God I was never hit but as they say emotional scarring can go much deeper! So, the fear is - how will I function with men being attracted to me? How will I react? This fat barrier has been a protection for so long the more weight I loose the more attention I get and I'm having a very difficult time reconciling that with my past. Does anyone know what I mean? And when I get to this weight it's when I start getting the attention - most people look at me and do not believe I weigh 220 because of the way the weight is distributed on my body. So, I have been self-sabotaging - I'm beginning to deal with it this time instead of giving up and gaining back the weight for protection. I'm beginning to evaluate and putting positives to the negatives that are so deeply ingrained in who I am. But then I run into the perfectionism - this was installed by my mother - long story short - anything that I did around our house to help was met with "well why didn't you do..." It was never good enough! I don't blame my mother for my weight problem - I take responsibility for it now. It was started by her and perpetrated in the essence of she'd poke fun at my weight, would try to put me on diets or control my food - here's the rebellion part - I discovered it was the one thing she could not control about me! I could eat and eat and eat and there was NOTHING - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING she could do about it. Looking back I know all she wanted was for me to be healthy but it just didn't matter and it's taken me almost 25 years to reconcile my feelings about my mother/father and food. I'm still working on the men issue - which may take longer as I still think I have unresolved feelings regarding my own father and the men in my past.

In my research I have found some great resources and there's a clinic in my area - I'm arranging to go in for counseling to deal specifically with the overeating disorder. I'm excited about this as they address the whole person, not simply counseling nor simply weight issue - CLICK HERE if nothing else, I'm going to be picking up the book "Hope, Help, and Healing for Eating Disorders: A New Approach to Treating Anorexia, Bulimia, and Overeating" by Dr. Gregory Jantz - tried to do this tonight but they had already closed when I stopped.

One of the things I am tired of fighting is this weight - but it's not really about the weight at all it's about the FOOD. The weight is the result of my unhealthy relationship with food. I'm going to continue on this road with the HCG but I am adding additional resources to my arsenal. I will win this fight - I'm still in for the long haul even though I haven't done well this round - I AM NOT GIVING UP - I AM A FIGHTER!!!