Well - TOM decided to visit - horrible cramps coupled with feeling like I was going to vomit! Yeah, I'm so glad it's here NOT!!! I really wanted to get started this weeked. My 20 year is in September. So as soon as TOM is over I'll be back on the wagon - HCG here I come with a ferious vengence! I'll be in with my counselling sessions starting next week and actively moving towards recovery from overeating, BDD, self-destructive behaviours and FAT FREE FOREVER!!! I needed the break and I think that's a learning lesson too! I don't think it's just the matter of stabalizing the weight - which I'm not sure where I'm at right now with the extra water weight and swelling from TOM - but the 6 week breaks are important for the mental break and getting refreshed to do a new round. So, waiting for TOM to leave!
I apologize for the length of time between posts... I have been soooooooooooo stinkin' busy between the new job and now I'm doing remodeling at my house, plus the kids. Yah-know LIFE! I discovered I have mold in my walls - I caught it before it got bad. But we started ripping out the walls to rewire and get a smooth finish on the walls. Now, it's an additional step to paint the inside of the siding with Kilz. The walls had the plastic on the wrong side and the siding wasn't completely stapled to the house so, there was sweating in the walls creating the mold. I always wondered why my house was so cold R7 insulation answered that questions. So, my brother is helping me replace the aluminum wiring in the house, insulate and sheetrock. Once I'm done with my house it will be practically brand new!
Why is it that it is so hard to get to the gym - I'm so resistant but then I feel really great afterward! Is that another mental block? I'm gearing up to start the challenge - figured I'd do my loading next weekend. I'm planning on doing the 43 days. I think part of what screwed me up is doing the short round and jumping right back into the next round without the break in between. Concentrating on weight loss gives you a lot of time to think. I'll take my measurements next Tuesday just before I start the next round. I've taken a 3 week break - yes not the 6 weeks but I screwed up the whole last round. I may do a short round and then a 6 week break. I'll see how I do this next round and make my determination. I'm very much enjoying working out and having the strength in my body now that my back is now back in shape!
I've been debating whether to do a cleanse. I've made my decision - I'm going to go for it and do that for the next few weeks. I'll begin injections again on August 1st. Lost 3 inches...
Okay - so I'm learning about myself and it sucks! No better word than it just SUCKS!!! I went to a website last night and have discovered that yep - definitely have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)... I'm really ticked off too... Why, you ask? This has been an issue since I was a child!!! Everyone would tell me how pretty I was, how beautiful I was, I have such a great smile I have such beautiful eye etc. etc. etc. Please don't misconstrue this as bragging - as it's the opposite! I don't see that, I've never seen that, I would always counter what they would say... Finally I just learned to say thank you but the internal battle was unbelievably negative and self destructive, resulting in the weight I carry today... I'm ticked off that NO DOCTOR - NO COUNSELOR has ever picked up on this issue/disorder... Why is that? AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Yes, I am thoroughly ticked off! Life could have been so much different had I received the treatment and counselling that I needed as a child for this disorder... I'm quite disgusted and disappointed and just plain ole' bummed about the whole thing - so, I think I'm beginning to uncover the roots of my self sabotage... Rooted in self loathing since childhood, rooted in body dysmorphia, rooted in depression, possibly some OCD. My mother was an OCDhoarder so it is quite possible that I've inherited some OCD from her - not in the hording area but in being OCD about the way I look, how much I way, how people view me etc etc etc. AGAIN - SELF DISCOVERY SUCKS... But I believe it's the only way to begin to heal and actually move towards an healthy and ideal weight. :p~~~~~ Apologies that the post may be a bit on the negative side - however, it's honest, raw, vulnerable and hopefully it helps other's out there that may be experiencing the same thing... If you are unsure of whether you suffer from BDDCLICK HERE and read the article from the Mayo Clinic. BDD is often accompanied by Obssessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and an eating disorder (NOTE: not necessarily for all) - I wouldn't say I'm an extreme BDD or OCD (who knows I might discovery differently in the next few weeks to months with my counselor) however, I would say that with the obsession with the way that I look, I've had to force myself to be social, go and do things out of my comfort zone - which has cause me to be stressed and have anxiety. So much anxiety I'm not sleeping well, having strange dreams and smoking more - which yes I know the smoking and caffeine does not help with any of it either. So, with all that said I think I am done rambling for the moment...
Well I'm happy to report I've neither gained (YIPPIE) nor lost. I'd rather stay the same than gain. I've got to get back into my book so I can start making some progress. I came to the realization that how I look and internally how I feel I look at two totally different things. I will post pictures later... My daughter told me that I look so different than I did - but I don't feel like I look different. Mentally I know I look different but that is completely different than how I feel I look. Does that make sense? I guess they call it body dysphoria - I wouldn't say I see myself in the mirror as I was before - but it's more of an internal mental picture. I think this is something I need to work on from the perspective of replacing that picture that's lodged in my mind with a thinner picture. You'd think I would have been doing this all along with my years in WW. But it just really didn't become reality to me until I started working in this book/workbook CLICK HERE I'd HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone struggling with weight/body issues. I just realized I forgot to post the books that were recommended that I read... I'll send a reminder to myself now - so I'll do it either today or tomorrow.
Okay this weekend didn't go as well as I'd planned. I was ripping out sheet rock and helping hang sheet rock. Remodeling stinks! My brother also was rewiring the room that we were in as it is an older home with aluminum wiring. I was very tired and ended up eating what my kids fixed - hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. Not at all protocol friendly so I gained 3 lbs over the weekend. Plus I have an itchy rash on my leg - not sure if its from working with the insulation, adding fabric softener back to my laundry, a reaction to something I ate or bug bites... But it's been there for 2 1/2 days and is driving me bats!
Okay - so I hit the 220.6 mark AGAIN!!! I am however, bloated from TOM and the heat. My joints hurt from the swelling - I'm thinking about taking a water pill when I get up tomorrow. I learned my lesson the last time when I took it at night DUH!!! I thought it would take effect the next morning. Well it did, 1 AM, 2 AM and so on!!!
So, I'm at the point where I've hit that mark again were I either just completely give up or go OMG no way... Which one do YOUUUU think I've chosen? Well, I've come so far 78 lbs (50 on WW) is nothing to sneeze at an there is NO WAY I am going back to 298.6 lbs EVER!
I'm drinking lots of fluids today to abate the hunger! Have my apple sitting on my desk - and I'm having chicken breast with salad today!!! So, once again I am attempting to move forward on the protocol!!! I plan on delving into my book tonight - I haven't gotten past the introduction, which I've read twice. I think there is some fear - fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear that I might actually discover the root of my block in getting rid of the rest of this fat!
Here's to the book, to discovery and to success...
