I finally replaced my scale today - I know it's probably more but tonight I weighed 197 lbs - it will be in even increments now since it's an old style scale but I know it's accurate since my child is my gauge and she's weighing 3 lbs heavy tonight - which means I've probably lost more than 101 lbs - YES!!!!
Down another .4 lbs - it's crazy now that I am so close to the 100's I'm REALLY EXCITED!!! I know it's taken me forever to get here but I'm almost there ya'll!!! Keep rooting for me - today's weight is 200.4 :D
Moments Away 200.8 lbs Today (Onderland is so close)
It's so exciting to make another breakthrough in my journey of self discovery. Each time I break a barrier and come to understanding and peace with a fear I'm able to move past that fear and move further down the scale in my weight loss journey. And actually I want to call this something different - my healthy body journey - my ideal body journey - my real body journey. Because weight loss - means I lose it I can find it again and I don't ever want to go backwards to the weight I was - NOT EVER!!! I finally love myself and who I am - not that I don't sometimes struggle with insecurities - obviously fears and other emotions on the journey but they are not all always related to weight... A lot of times the circle back around to weight issues but they are not all rooted in how I feel about my body. They are insecurities of rejection from my childhood and early adulthood. Things like am I beautiful - am I a good person - am I of worth - will I be loved the way I want to be or need to be - am I what God wanted me to be or am I missing the boat and a disappointment to Him?!?!?!?!? There are more things that swim around in my mind I battle and analyze but am working through...
I'm not sure this is correct or not - I think my scale is broken - we have to jump on it to make it come on sometimes. So, think I will go get a new scale today :-/... Anyway today according to this scale I'm 209.2 lbs. So, we'll see with a new scale what it reads ehhhhhh...
I'm getting up the courage to talk about my fear of being left if I drop the rest of my weight. I know - I know... I've been avoiding the topic and avoiding doing my shots and just plain procrastinating and avoiding. I think part of the fear too is that I won't be validated in how I feel - if that makes sense... That the whole thing will be dismissed - and maybe that's what I also need to communicate - yah know! I like blogging this out because it helps me to think of what and how I want to say what I have bottled up for so many years. And sometimes things come out through my writing that I don't even realize are sitting under the surface... Does that make sense?
So, inevitably I am loading over this weekend to start the protocol yet again!!! DAMN - this is taking so much longer than I wanted or anticipated - but I am hanging in there!!! Still maintaining Started at 205.6 and was up 3 lbs with the load from yesterday... So tomorrow will be the starting weight - we'll see where I start off from... Keep praying for me and rooting for me - I really want to do this and am going to push past these fears and realize that no matter what I am worth it!
