I've updated my weight loss ticker to reflect what I actually believe is closer to what my body needs are with the amount of lean body mass. When I get there and if I need to get rid of more fat - I'll cross that road when I come to it. But for now I've change my target weight from 156 to 170 lbs.
Yesterday was a good day and I know I said I would stay away from the scale but I'm finding this very difficult. I think I will have to move it into a closet so it's an effort to get to it. I am a scale addict and weigh more than once in the day.
So, new strategy for a new day. I am finding though taking it one day, one moment, one meal and one challenge at a time I get through the day easier. So, maybe I have now found my key?!?!?!?! Here's to hope and further fat reduction.
Okay I must say I love Pink Lady apples. A friend suggested them to me and the are marvelous. Just the right combination of sweet and tart - oh and very crispy. As I stated before I really don't care for apples nor grapefruit but with the pink ladies I'm loving these. I add 1/2 an apple to my chicken portion and romaine lettuce - delightful. And I'm getting a 1/2 pink grapefruit down daily - this helps with keeping me regular too. I am drinking so much liquid it's not funny... I might as well pull up my computer in the restroom HAHAHAHA!
Merry had suggested miracle noodles - so I tried a local version of these to see if I liked the texture. They are a little different - do not think that these are like wheat noodles. But the are more like a ramen noodle. I did like them and had them with Amy's Spaghetti Sauce (this is the only one I could find that had NO SUGAR!) I was so satisfied and full after I had it - I immediately ordered a whole bunch from www.miraclenoodle.com. If you sign up for their newsletter you can get a link to a variety pack page with specials. I am going to be eating these throughout the protocol. I'm thinking of making a noodle soup. I ordered the orzo and mini pearl as well. The orzo you can use as "rice" and the mini pearls it was suggested as risotto. Again I'll have to experiment but I'll be doing the risotto with Helen's roasted garlic recipe and maybe adding it as a side dish to her chicken recipe. YUM! YUM!
OH AND AGAIN - encouraged by the drop in inches!!! I cannot emphasize enough - TAKE YOUR MEASUREMENTS!!! It's essential - to encouragement when the scale is not moving or even goes up - I've lost 39.5" total from the beginning of this protocol - that's a 2:1 inches:weight ratio...
I wanted to thank Susan for her comment on my last posting - then it started to turn into a blog so here goes....
Thank you Susan... I really appreciate your encouragement. I'm back on plan but feel like I've started all over. Didn't gain it all back but I get really frustrated with myself. I need to really learn to forgive myself and keep moving forward. But sometimes I just get caught in the mire and muck and want to give up. But I have two wonderful kids that keep holding me up and encouraging me too! And all of you with the great words and sometimes pulling me along kicking and screaming. I woke up and prayed this morning "Lord, just help me make it through this day and I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow..." And it dawned on me (another DUH moment)! How'd I loose the weight with WW and with HCG before??? I mean for God's Sake - I've lost 80ish lbs... That's nothing to stand and mock at! I took it 5 lbs at a time and some days 1 lb at a time. I also didn't weigh daily. I looked at my measurements more than the scale. I looked at "None" scale victories. I've been so focused on just getting rid of the fat - my focus and balance have been completely off! So, this morning I weighed 221.4 lbs. My new focus will be 1 day at a time, 1 bite at a time, and I'm only focused on 5 lbs at a time. And I found a calculator and to be at 20% BF it looks like I've got about 50 lbs to get rid of which if the calculations are true would leave me around 170 lbs. I calculated this based on my current lean body mass and the essential fat that is needed to maintain healthy body function. So, we shall see as I get down that direction.
I will only be weighing and measuring hence forth 1 time per week. This will start tomorrow since I've been taking measurements on Tuesdays. I'll continue to blog but will only update my weight and measurements 1x per week. My counselor wants me to throw away my scale - but that's not where I am at yet in my journey. Quite honestly at this point I'd be ecstatic to lose 15 - 20 lbs by the end of this round.
Breakfast: Grapefruit & Americano 32oz. Green Tea Lunch: Large Romaine Lettuce Salad with Chicken portion & Apple 32oz. Green Tea Dinner: Planning on Steak with Salad
I've almost recovered from my weekend of indulgence and lack of planning. But now I am down sick and I just really don't want to eat on the plan. So, today I am going to make a modified version of my immune soup and suck on that all day. I don't have all the ingredients so will have to utilize some dried spices but I think it will still be good. I'm going to mix it up in my BlendTec which makes instant hot fresh soup - it comparable to the VitaMix. I bought mine on eBay or half.com for a fraction of the selling price.
Here's another great find - I just ordered these for me and my kids to carry lunch this next year. Although the price seemed steep initially for a "lunch box" it will save in the long run as it will cost $110/month to have my kids buy lunch at school. These Zojirushi Mr. Bento - this idea is so very cool. I have this companies bread machine so know they make quality products. You can also read the reviews on Amazon. So, we can pre-prep some ingredients in my BlendTec the evening before for fresh hot soup each day or it could hold stroganoff in one container and noodles or rice in the other - so my kids will have a nice hot home cooked meal for lunch rather than the junk they serve at the caffeteria at school.
So, I'd done this saliva and urine test - the results were very interesting. I've battled with depression all my life and have always said anti-depressants don't work for me... Well, the test proved that I was right. I have low serotonin and some other things that were low and high which show that I need an a completely different approach to balance these areas. It also, explains why I do not sleep well. I have a difficult time falling asleep and then a difficult time waking up. So, I am very glad I did this test. I've also been experiencing some pretty intense pelvic pain on and off ~ so had an ultra-sound today and we'll see where we go from here.
The exciting thing is that while I was at my naturopaths office she shared that her business partner has started using HCG... I am so excited and they are having phenomenal results with people that her partner has been working with for 8 months or longer. I'm exstatic that they researched and are using this for their clients! And that I had a small part in helping people.
Had another counseling session last night and I am just simply amazed and blessed by the breakthroughs and strides I am making. I'm not saying it's at all easy - it is very stressful and the last two days I have done some stress eating. I am however, ready to jump back on the band wagon and continue onward and downward! I'm even going to make sure I start carrying a journal and write my stress down rather than eat through it. I'm very excited about the new things I am learning on this journey. And truly - truly it is not at all just about weight, just about will power or just about losing the next pound. For me it is about the whole package. What am I learning? What am I taking away from all of this? Everything from my physical health, to my emotional, spiritual and mental health. I've got the new hope. It's going to take a lot of painful work to discover what my motives are to eat. I think it was in WW I learned that behind every motive is a positive intention. And eating is a feel good drug - oh and I also discovered that one of my chemical/amino "dealies" is off balance showing addiction or tendency toward addiction. So, my drug of choice all along has been food. When my mother died I also picked up smoking. So, I will deal with one - well almost one drug at a time. I'm dealing with the emotion and the weight at the same time which is challenge. I am going to have to take a step back and intentionally look at my motive for eating. When I want to eat - when I am not hungry - which we all know on hcg for the most part you are not hungry. Although I have been more so this round. Anyway - stop drink some water - stop journal - stop pmia (positive mental image and attitude) - stop read my motives for losing weight - most of all stop and pray for God's help!
And I am down another 2.75". If you are not taking your measurements I would highly encourage this step in your freedom from fat I've lost a total of 37.75" on this protocol and only 18.6lbs - so really double the amount of inches compared to the scale weight. It shows that although the scale doesn't necessarily register what I think it should - the measurements sure are. I've had so many people comment about how much smaller my hips and waist are - and combined I've lost 11" in those two areas. And that they can really see it there. I am trying not to freak out and self-sabotage but it's difficult as it's not only habit but it's my false safety. Changing that mentality has been the biggest and most difficult part of my journey.
But I am moving forward - my previous assignment from my counselor was to write down all the "lies" I'd been told throughout my life by my mom, family, people in general whether I believed them or not. I thought well maybe 6-10. I had 67 and had to stop because my lunch hour was over. So, to make a long story short - these were not necessarily lies but hurts and now my assignment from my counselor is to help "little" Toni the 3/4 yo - the age I was when I started taking on the hurts and bottling them inside is to now help "little" Toni let go of the past and forgive all those people who didn't take care of her, didn't nurture her, disappointed her and who she didn't feel lover her. Help her to be loved by and trust God, help her to let go of the pain, help her to be comforted, nurtured and loved. Help her to open up to people and trust them too. I'm almost on the verge of tears just thinking about it and yes right now I want to run for the cupboard and eat - and trust me I am not hungry. I feel almost nauseated by the thought of going through this process as I know it's going to be painful and I know it's going to make me cry. I don't like to cry - I'm the strong one and always have been. But really I am just a big huge marshmallow inside. All I really want is to be accepted and loved - I think we all do at the core of our beings.
Well there's my two cents for the day or buck fitty :D
Okay this weekend was full of back to school shopping and I did not plan well at all! My own fault and now I'm back on schedule but I paid a steep price for my lack of planning I'm up +3.8lbs. Well lesson learned. I have school clothes shopping soon - so will be looking towards planning for that event. I must stay on plan or reap the unfortunate benefit thereof.
I had 1/2 grapefruit for breakfast; chicken portion for lunch w/salad. Snack will be an apple and dinner will be steak portion w/salad.
Okay so I am going to attribute my +.4 to working out - I'm not sure what happened .... Oh, as I was writing this I think I know... Darned kids... There was hair grease all over the phone last night when I picked it up!!! Dang!!! I make it so I know what's in it and that is probably the culprit - Coconut Oil, Shea Butter, Jojoba Oil, Cocoa Butter... Yep that would probably be it!!!
On another note - think I have the scrub figured out: 16 oz Vegetable Glycerin and Kosher Salt
I'm here to attest that I've not lost any muscle on this diet and in fact have gained almost .5 lbs of muscle. I have not been measured or weighed in 8 months by my trainer however, the results are in - and I am down 1% body fat and up in muscle. YIPPIE!!! I have finally found the diet for me :D
And I think my guestimate of 156 lbs will be good as I have 140 lbs of lean body mass. So you add the normal fat on top of that then I'll be between 156 and I'm guessing 170 depending on how much muscle I put on between now and when I reach my final destination :D
Alright - I have to admit I always struggle during the load days with the mental piece and years of programming. The you have to gain before you lose is just a difficult hurdle to get past. However, I did do the gaining and just as always - almost all of it came off the first day. AMAZING!!!
And everyone will be so proud of me - I was brownie tempted last night and I went for an apple and celery... The apple was just sweet enough - so I did GREAT YESTERDAY! And I've done great today.
Not saying I'll post my menu everyday but here was today...
Americano with sugar free sweetener Apple Chicken with Indian spices Romaine Lettuce w/ liquid braggs Orange
Now I'm ready for bed - been going pretty hard for the past few weeks and I think I'm going to go scrub my tub - take a quick shower and hit the sack! My life is sooooo exciting! Yeah right...
My starting weight for this round is 226.2 after loading. I gained 4 lbs for the load days - hope that's enough... I'm going to continue working out and possibly add more protein only on those days so I don't end up feeling weak. I will play it by ear and see how it goes - if I have a gain on the next day from the extra protein portion then that is not the answer.
I know that I have not loaded enough for this round - I was so stinkin' busy the last two days so I will be doing one more day and concentrating on loading with the healthy fats. I did get some things in the last two days but not enough I was starving (not literally) but ready to tear someones head off when I got home cuz' I didn't get lunch today... I should have eaten anyway but I wasn't hungry... The HCG is starting to kick in but I am not even taking the chance of being a failure this third round like I was in my second. I've had a good month break and have done some more self discovery. I had my first counselling session since she gave me the assignment to write a letter to my mother. Not sure if I wrote before that it was an unemotional event. Well, until she had me read the letter - which I didn't know as going to happen and I cried like a baby... It was good - all those pent up emotions...
One of the things that she shared with me that helped me to understand my mother were the 4 stages of growth. There is Physical, Emotional, Intellectual and Spiritual. When we discussed the emotional she stated this could be hampered by any number of things especially trama from abuse, drugs or alcohol. Right then and there I had my epiphany - I discovered because the abuse my mother experienced as a child that she didn't really mature emotionally past a 3 year old. Yes, she was an adult but now I understand why she was so needy and was so extremely fearful of being alone and would completely sap my energy. That's what 3-year-olds do - the believe they can conquer the world but are still very narcissistic and still need mom to take care of them. That's what I became at the age of 9 - the mom and that is what I've remained my entire life THE MOM! THE STRONG ONE! THE RELIABLE ONE! Blah Blah Blah - okay off track ... Give me a break it's two counselling sessions I still have a lot of work to do... :D
I am so blessed to have this counselor - now I can start to move on and forgive her for taking my life from me. Some may say you could have walked away at any time - but where I was at emotionally - unless you've been there and been molded into a caretaker you cannot even begin to understand or walk in my shoes. It's like someone who doesn't have children trying to tell their friends how to parent (oops - yep been there done that and let me tell you I regret every word of it). There's a reason why God's word says "Do not judge so that you will not be judged..." Matthew 7:1 (but the whole chapter is good measure of living) you do not know what is going on in someones life nor the state of their heart, mind or emotions. I am still learning to pray for those around me - especially if I've been quick to judge.
Well I've rambled enough - I've updated my measurements on my spreadsheet I'll update my charts tomorrow... Very tired - TTFN
Here I go again... I am starting my injections tonight and start loading tomorrow. I have the same determination back that I had in the first round. Not only that - Susan and Lori have inspired me tremendously with their great losses - oh and Arlene and Ron too! Kudo's to ya'll!!!! My starting weight is 222.2. So, really I am up only 1 lb from my last starting weight and 4.2 from the last time I weighed. But that's the past and I am moving forward. I do have my second counseling appointment on Thursday to go over my letter to mom and some of the things I've done in the book. I'll let you know how it goes.
