Vicious Cycle

I keep asking myself - what is it that I cannot get into the 100's? Is it fear - and fear of what? Part of it is I still have issues with others finding me attractive and paying attention. I've covered this before on my blog - I need to just do it and say SCREW IT! (sorry if that offends anyone) I'm just down right angry with myself and frustrated. I get paid a little attention and my instinct is to gain weight to keep the attention away - not that I've really gained - just haven't lost the rest either. Part of it is definitely to hid behind the fat so that I will not be abused again. Because when I was almost 300 lbs I definitely didn't like myself so who else would - it was an unconscious thought process that the weight will protect me from men being attracted to me - therefore I won't have to worry about being molested, raped or emotionally abused by one of them. Irrational as it is now that I look back that is a good portion of why I gained my weight in the first place. Secondly, I also think part of it is based in fear of loss. The last relationship I had 12 years ago, the man I was involved with became very insecure when I dropped my weight and other men started paying attention to me. Not that it was a good healthy relationship to start with - but there was a picture painted of what our future would be like together and I was really only fooling myself because I was hidden away. So, even though our relationship (if you could even call it that) fell apart once I started approaching my ideal weight however, nonsensical that may be is where my emotional self lingers. I believe the only way for me to get past this is to drive through and just do it. Keep blogging everyday the ups and downs of where I'm at. I just know at gut level this is the core of the issue is that I'm afraid that once I start getting to where I'm wanting to be that there is going to be attention paid and I just pray that the man I am see is secure enough. He'd asked me about this today and I couldn't even put all of it into words until I started blogging tonight. I'll have to talk more to him about it tomorrow now that I've been able to "label" or put meaning to why I haven't been following the protocol or even taking my shots.