Self Discovery Sucks
Okay - so I'm learning about myself and it sucks! No better word than it just SUCKS!!! I went to a website last night and have discovered that yep - definitely have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)... I'm really ticked off too... Why, you ask? This has been an issue since I was a child!!! Everyone would tell me how pretty I was, how beautiful I was, I have such a great smile I have such beautiful eye etc. etc. etc. Please don't misconstrue this as bragging - as it's the opposite! I don't see that, I've never seen that, I would always counter what they would say... Finally I just learned to say thank you but the internal battle was unbelievably negative and self destructive, resulting in the weight I carry today... I'm ticked off that NO DOCTOR - NO COUNSELOR has ever picked up on this issue/disorder... Why is that? AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Yes, I am thoroughly ticked off! Life could have been so much different had I received the treatment and counselling that I needed as a child for this disorder... I'm quite disgusted and disappointed and just plain ole' bummed about the whole thing - so, I think I'm beginning to uncover the roots of my self sabotage... Rooted in self loathing since childhood, rooted in body dysmorphia, rooted in depression, possibly some OCD. My mother was an OCD hoarder so it is quite possible that I've inherited some OCD from her - not in the hording area but in being OCD about the way I look, how much I way, how people view me etc etc etc. AGAIN - SELF DISCOVERY SUCKS... But I believe it's the only way to begin to heal and actually move towards an healthy and ideal weight. :p~~~~~
Apologies that the post may be a bit on the negative side - however, it's honest, raw, vulnerable and hopefully it helps other's out there that may be experiencing the same thing...
If you are unsure of whether you suffer from BDD CLICK HERE and read the article from the Mayo Clinic. BDD is often accompanied by Obssessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and an eating disorder (NOTE: not necessarily for all) - I wouldn't say I'm an extreme BDD or OCD (who knows I might discovery differently in the next few weeks to months with my counselor) however, I would say that with the obsession with the way that I look, I've had to force myself to be social, go and do things out of my comfort zone - which has cause me to be stressed and have anxiety. So much anxiety I'm not sleeping well, having strange dreams and smoking more - which yes I know the smoking and caffeine does not help with any of it either. So, with all that said I think I am done rambling for the moment...
Apologies that the post may be a bit on the negative side - however, it's honest, raw, vulnerable and hopefully it helps other's out there that may be experiencing the same thing...
If you are unsure of whether you suffer from BDD CLICK HERE and read the article from the Mayo Clinic. BDD is often accompanied by Obssessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and an eating disorder (NOTE: not necessarily for all) - I wouldn't say I'm an extreme BDD or OCD (who knows I might discovery differently in the next few weeks to months with my counselor) however, I would say that with the obsession with the way that I look, I've had to force myself to be social, go and do things out of my comfort zone - which has cause me to be stressed and have anxiety. So much anxiety I'm not sleeping well, having strange dreams and smoking more - which yes I know the smoking and caffeine does not help with any of it either. So, with all that said I think I am done rambling for the moment...
posted by Anonymous at
8:32 AM
4 Comments:
Toni,
Today on BBC America, they had a show on called "Too Ugly to Love" about people with B.D.D. It was fascinating. It sounds like you've been doing a lot of work, and I wish you all the luck in the world in getting through this!
Susan
I'll have to take a look at that. Most days I am happy but other days I feel frustrated. I can't stand to walk past a mirror yet I find myself smiling more each day. I feel like I'm changing on the inside but I want the outside to look different. My biggest problem with my self-image is I think people say things just to be nice. Most of the times I don't believe it. Deep down I think I don't deserve to be happy because of my weight then end up being mad because losing the weight is so hard.
Thank you Susan - you are so very kind!
Blessings to you!
Cherie,
Amen sista' I feel the same way sometimes... Not the comments that other people make as I have surrounded myself with genuine people and have come to disregard comments made by people I either don't have a relationship with, don't trust or just don't care about. I think that comes from being picked on so much as a kid and building that thick skin. It's all the internal stuff that you mentioned that I can relate too.
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