Going for a third day load

I know that I have not loaded enough for this round - I was so stinkin' busy the last two days so I will be doing one more day and concentrating on loading with the healthy fats. I did get some things in the last two days but not enough I was starving (not literally) but ready to tear someones head off when I got home cuz' I didn't get lunch today... I should have eaten anyway but I wasn't hungry... The HCG is starting to kick in but I am not even taking the chance of being a failure this third round like I was in my second. I've had a good month break and have done some more self discovery. I had my first counselling session since she gave me the assignment to write a letter to my mother. Not sure if I wrote before that it was an unemotional event. Well, until she had me read the letter - which I didn't know as going to happen and I cried like a baby... It was good - all those pent up emotions...

One of the things that she shared with me that helped me to understand my mother were the 4 stages of growth. There is Physical, Emotional, Intellectual and Spiritual. When we discussed the emotional she stated this could be hampered by any number of things especially trama from abuse, drugs or alcohol. Right then and there I had my epiphany - I discovered because the abuse my mother experienced as a child that she didn't really mature emotionally past a 3 year old. Yes, she was an adult but now I understand why she was so needy and was so extremely fearful of being alone and would completely sap my energy. That's what 3-year-olds do - the believe they can conquer the world but are still very narcissistic and still need mom to take care of them. That's what I became at the age of 9 - the mom and that is what I've remained my entire life THE MOM! THE STRONG ONE! THE RELIABLE ONE! Blah Blah Blah - okay off track ... Give me a break it's two counselling sessions I still have a lot of work to do... :D

I am so blessed to have this counselor - now I can start to move on and forgive her for taking my life from me. Some may say you could have walked away at any time - but where I was at emotionally - unless you've been there and been molded into a caretaker you cannot even begin to understand or walk in my shoes. It's like someone who doesn't have children trying to tell their friends how to parent (oops - yep been there done that and let me tell you I regret every word of it). There's a reason why God's word says "Do not judge so that you will not be judged..." Matthew 7:1 (but the whole chapter is good measure of living) you do not know what is going on in someones life nor the state of their heart, mind or emotions. I am still learning to pray for those around me - especially if I've been quick to judge.

Well I've rambled enough - I've updated my measurements on my spreadsheet I'll update my charts tomorrow... Very tired - TTFN