OKAY... GAINED ALOT BACK - STARTING OVER

I had a great deal of stress over the past year - almost to date really! Without going into details - I had some emotional upheavel which brought me back to my old eating habits, not caring about myself and the way I looked/felt. Not really a depression, but literally an emotional turmoil inside my mind/body. I'd gone into self-destruct mode! I knew exactly what the trigger was, and I still let it explode beyond my ability to contain, evaluate and process rationally and outside of myself. It was the straw that broke the camel, in this case my resolve to be at a healthy weight. I internalized instead of a) blogging; b) journaling; c) finding healthy outlets e.g. exercise, painting, drawing, clay d) anything besides self destruct.

I'm now at a point that if I keep going I'll be well on my way to gaining back all my weight! I've gained back 46.6 lbs. I kick myself because I was so close to where I wanted to be and I let the emotional garbage in and sacrificed myself to the demons in my on mind. You know the ones that tell you - you're not worth it, they won't love you when you get there anyway, they'll leave you kind of evil destructive thoughts. This is actually the first time I've written this down. The first time I've admitted it in writing. Admitance is the first step to recovery - or so I'm told. So, I am going back to basics. If I can just get close to where I was in this first round. Then, I will do only 1 more round! And be done with this forever!!!

Starting weight for this round was 222.2; after load 226.8 lbs. This morning after following the protocol I'm down to 223.6 -3.2 lbs...

I have to go back to the basics; every step of every day is a decision for my health. I doesn't matter whether I have love or support around me - it only matters that I need to do this for me - ONLY FOR ME! It's my health and my life and my longevity that's at stake... If I have the love and support of those around me, well all the better! If not then well... It's their loss not mine!

Here's to the rest of my life!

FEAR AND LIVING

Sometimes I think we allow fear to rule our lives and our hearts so much that we forget to live and become stagnant. Feared asking for help for fear of rejection or disappointment that the need could not be met. Feared loving for fear of losing the one I loved, feared successes, feared failures, feared admitting I was wrong that I'd appear weak, feared boasting that I'd be viewed as prideful. I allowed fear to rule so much of my life I lost the purpose of living to the fullest I could. When I began releasing some of those fears I was able to not only fully love another person but love myself. So much so, that if I were to lose them through them leaving - I know that it's not necessarily a direct reflection of me, because I loved them to the best of me and I love me. I think if we don't love and respect ourselves, we cannot fully love another person the way God intended. Something I've realized lately is that I've been allowing fear to get in the way of my success in getting rid of the rest of this weight. It's been over the past few weeks. It's kind of crazy, how fear can stifle our progress but disguising itself as other things, excuses, business, pettiness and so many other things. We'll pick fights with our children, avoid people, things, tasks and worst of all feed (literally) feed the fears in order to stuff them down and in order to not deal with the fears. It's really hard to choose to dig deeper and move past those things that we don't want to or choose not to deal with at the moment or ever! For me it's a moment by moment realization - living in the moment - living for the future - living for hope - living for love - living to love - living to give back - living to receive - living to praise and be praised - living for GOD - living for our families - living for OURSELVES! Move past the fears and move towards the living!

Never Got the Mojo

I've been struggling a while - and I decided to plug back into Weight Watcher's. Doing the dieting alone has been SUPER HARD! I'm not saying that the HCG program doesn't work at all!!! I'm saying that it's super restrictive and when you follow it - IT WORKS!!! But I've just been a cheat on it the last couple rounds and it's only given me extra weight. I think I have figured out in 1 session of Weight Watcher's though as to why this is... It's still all a mental battle for me! And I never reset a goal for myself and really believed it! I mean it took me a super long time to get below 100 lbs. And that's HUGE!!! I have 36.8 lbs left to get rid of to get to my first goal weight! And really I'd reset that to 175 lbs. But I think too I am still scared! Scared of ME! The me I'll be when I get there - the ME everyone else will see. The ME that I'll be living with at goal for the rest of my LIFE! It's a good thing but in all honesty it SCARES THE SHIT out of me...

And I can tell you - YOU ARE TREATED DIFFERENTLY when you are slim that when you are FAT! Even though you don't think you are any different YOU ARE!!! Your self image changes, the way you walk, the way you carry yourself the way you interact with other people. I went to a meeting this morning - and the energy in the room was dull and lifeless. I left before it even started! The leader I am with now - used to drive me bonkers! I didn't like her because she was too perky... But who I need are the people that are AROUND her - and her too - just not at 7:00 AM! So, for the next 2 months at least I will be following the Weight Watcher's program to get my mental status back in the game! Because I am certainly not mentally ready to do HCG again! I may do a short round as I approach my goal weight - but I will have to see. The one thing that HCG did do for me with all the restriction for so long - I WAS ABLE TO STAY WITHIN MY POINTS for the entire week and logged ALL MY FOOD!

Motivation Back

Okay now I am doing this with a friend - so we're in the struggle together. I've taken off all the weight I gained - almost. I have a couple more pound but I am now below my LIW from the previous round. I unfortunately did put on 14 lbs because I was not strictly following protocol and I was miserably failing and sabotaging! As of this morning I am down to 181.8 I have another 25.8 to go to reach my initial goal! I am very proud of how far I've come - eventhough it has taken me what seems a lifetime to get here. It has been worth every part of the journey. I do very much hope that my blog helps those along the way that are struggling in any manner with weight issues. You can be a healthy weight and you can take it off permanently. My weight gain was not because I'd fallen so off the beaten path. My weight was stablized. When I started the round I was not doing the shots as I should - I was eating things I was NOT SUPPOSED TO, and all around sabotaging. If you've kept up on my blog - there has been a lot that has gone on in the past few years! And I believe all in all I have handled the stress and everything I have been dealt in my hand to play very well. I still am experiencing life's issues and pressures and stress - but am taking each day as God gives it to me to breathe and handle. I am handing my destiny over to Him and re-embracing Him and letting Him light the path of my destiny. All I can do is set out the questions and step out in faith in the direction He leads! Blessings all on your journey for today! Signing off for now and having a GREAT ON PROTOCOL DAY!

Weight Loss Ticker -57 lbs; -70.75" on protocol

-See my updated info on my Google Docs Spreadsheet:
Weight & Inches Spreadsheet




My Weight Chart:

Successful Load

My load weight is 185.8 - so begins the 500 VLCD... I will keep y'all posted as I go along!

Successful Load

My load weight is 185.8 - so begins the 500 VLCD... I will keep y'all posted as I go along!